well, its 12:35 am here... I can actually say I leave in 8 days! I made it to single digits! I am not so sure I am ready for this... I am going to miss my mom and dad a lot... but I will see them in June so only a couple of months!

just my heart

So, I leave in 22 days, and this trip is like no other before. I am not stressed or worried, I dnt feel like I am leaving these behind, or like I am running.. I dont feel liek things are left undone, I just feel like at peace at rest... now the funny part is that that alone kind of makes me wonder... should I feel rushed? Should I feel at least sad for what I am leaving behind me... my family, my parents?

Then the verse of my life long lesson comes to mind... John 14:27 Peace I leave with you my peace I give to you, not as the world gives do I give to you... Do not let your hearts be troubled neither let them be afraid!

Sweet huh? I think this is the first time I have ever been in a place of actually having TRUE peace. Not having to strive for it, or to convince myself to have it... Just to have it... another of my friends got engaged, and it was so sweet knowing that is one more sign that it is time to move on... Cause thats how he always seems to show me the group of friends who suround me always go get hitched... Its sweet though... Theres no bitterness or desire anymore... Just peace; contentment... knowing that he is calling me away for a purpose that only He knows... that only He can see the plan, and the outcome, and He is calling me to HImself... to follow HIm away from what I know and the familiar... for HIS purposes.. not my own! I like it... I am so caught up right now in being drawn away to Him, that I feel so unaffected by everthying going on around me...  I feel so at peace... whole... It is like sitting by the streams in green pastures... It is like walking on water... It is like standing before Goliath... or staring into the pillar of fire... It is like pushing through the crowd and being healed... or walking through the red sea, being weary after marching around an entire city, and then turning and watching the walls come down... I am so in awe of how real He is... Do I understand HIm? No... but I almost feel it unnecessary to... Why do I have to understand the one I am in love with? Do I know HIm? Not fully, but thats what the rest of my life and eternity is for! to get to know him... and I am in love with Him... I am content with Him... I love to rest my head on His chest, and hear His heart beat.... I love Him...

ok ok, so Im slacking on this thing! Geez, I'll get back into it Friday is my last day of work then it will get busy getting ready to move to Germany... I got my airline tickets and I leave the 18th of March so, be praying this all comes together!

Hope everyone is well... update me guys! send me updates!!!

There is a point in my life that I look around and realize I have nothing left to loose, nothing to fear, nothing to fail, this time I see that I have nothing to offer... 

All that I am and have is of Him. It is from His heart.... It isnt that His hands just made me, but that He burned with Passion while He crafted me. That each flaw in my eyes is a mark of what He saw to be beautiful. He did not create me for someone else, but for Himself. He created me to be beautiful to Him... To be perfect in His eyes. He by no means was contemplating what others would think or feel about me... or what they would say when they learned my heart... He create a Love his heart felt...

Yet at times my heart aches for a love that must be earned... must be strived for... the pride in me would go as far to say I desire a love I dont deserve... dont gasp and point your finger cause I just admitted that at times I feel deserving of Gods love... Maybe because it seems too far fetched. Maybe its because I dont put Him in that category anymore... Sad... what I would give to get back to the place of seeing how much I dont deserve Him. why I need His grace...

Each step in life shoud be a step forward... to the future? maybe... possibly, but for me I want it to be a step forward to HIm... one step closer to Him. I want to be His disciple... I want Him to teach me... I want to remember His whisper... that I abused, and so He has in many ways taken it away from me... I want to have secrets with my God. Be His best friend... race up steps... hide from things in his arms... I want to know His love... not in my head... in my heart. I want the waves of a storm to remind me who He is, and that I have nothing left.. . and then I want to hear his voice so loud it can be seen in his eyes... calling me to come out of the boat.... and when I get out I want to dance with Him. I dont only want to walk with Him, I want to dance with my Jesus... and leave the memories behind... leave the fears in the boat... and remember I am everything He wanted me to be, and I have nothing to offer HIm, but myself... and he does not want anything more, than simply to dance with me, the Love of His heart...

sigh....